Luuk Koelman: 'Please call me Vlad, Mister Rutte. We once drank beer together, remember?'

- Hello?

- Da?

- Mister Poetin?

- Da!

- Ah, yes! Hello! This is Mark Rutte. Hai, hai! Let me introduce myself. I am the new strong man of NATO and...

- I know who you are, Mister Rutte. And please call me Vlad. We once drank beer together, remember? A lot of beer.

- Is that so? Well, I don’t have any active memory about that.

- But I do. It was in the Holland Heineken House. The Olympic Games, Sotsji 2014.

- Again, no memory about that! Sorry!

- Well, then let me refresh your memory. After your king went to bed, completely wasted, I showed you some pictures of myself, bare-chested on a horseback. You thought they were very impressive. And masculine.

- I am sure I don’t remember that.

- Yeah, right...

- But you know what, Vlad? I also have photos! Very powerful!

- You do?

- Yes! Pictures of me on a bike. With an apple in my hand!

- And why are they powerful?

- They show that I... eh... that I can ride and eat at the same time. Very multitasking!

- I don’t think that’s masculine.

- Well, in the Netherlands everyone said it was ‘very gaaf indeed’ to see me riding a bike and eating an apple.

- What’s that word? Rrrraaf?

- No no, gááf. A famous Dutch word. Cannot be translated. But that is not why I am calling you, Vlad. There is something else: North-Korean soldiers in the Koersk-region. Completely unacceptable and...

- Ah, yes. My little friends, the North-Koreans.

- This is a serious escalation!

- Is it? But why? I just threw in that little trick you told me about in Sotsji, laughing like a mad man. How you won the 2012 Dutch elections by promising every citizen 1000 euros. So I did the same. But I doubled the amount, just for fun: I promised every North-Korean soldier 2000 dollars.

- Wait a minute, you’re saying you bought soldiers the same way I bought votes?

- Precisely. It’s all about perception. You promised 1000 euros and got votes. I promised double and got soldiers.

- But eventually they will realize the money isn’t coming!

- So what? Those North-Koreans will do the same as what your voters did. First complain, and then move on. People have short memories.

- Not when it comes to broken promises. Believe me, those tend to linger.

- True, but by then, we’ll have moved on to the next big promise. That’s how politics works, Mister Rutte. Perception is reality.

- Well, I hope your North-Korean soldiers will enjoy their perception of wealth.

- And I hope your voters have enjoyed their perception of democracy. Goodbye, Mister Rutte.