Luuk Koelman: ‘No no, please call me Dick, mister Netanyahu'

‘Yes? Hello?’

‘Mister Netanyahu. Good afternoon! This is Dick Schoof.’

‘Say that again?’

‘Dick. Dick Schoof. We spoke earlier. Let me explain. First there was Mark Rutte. And now there is me.’

‘Ah! Of course! How’s life in Copenhagen?’

‘No no, it is The Hague in the Netherlands, mister Netanyahu. The place where the International Court of Justice is situated.’

‘The international Court of Justice? Never heard of that. But what can I do for you, Mark?’

‘No no, please call me Dick, mister Netanyahu. As the prime-minister of the Netherlands, it is my duty to, eeeeh...’

‘Why should I call you a dick, Mark? Have some dignity. And why are you breathing so heavily?’

‘I’m running, mister Netanyahu.’

‘You’re running? Why? Is there a bomb threat? That’s strange. I didn’t order Mossad to detonate old Nokia’s.’

‘No no no, I’m running for fun. And I insist you call me Dick.’

‘Well, whatever. If that makes you happy.’

‘Mister Netanyahu, I promised the members of the Dutch parliament that I would speak to you about, well, respecting the international law of war.’

‘Did you?’

‘Yes. I think the Dutch parliament is a bit worried because of all the civilian casualties.’

‘Well, dick, what can I say? In the war on terror, everyone gets a little bit worried sometimes.’

‘I understand. But the Dutch parliament wants to know how the people in Gaza are doing.’

‘How they are doing?’

‘Yes. Because of the human rights.’

‘Those people are terrorists, dick. As far as I ’m concerned, they have no rights.’

‘I know, I know. That’s what I thought when the Dutch parliament asked me. I thought: tjongejongejonge, this is unbelievable.’

‘It is, dick. It is.’

‘But how are they doing?’

(...)

‘Mister Netanyahu?’

‘Well, let’s say: they are fine, dick. They are just fine.’

‘Really?’

(...)

‘Are you still there, mister Netanyahu?’

‘You want to know a secret, dick?’

‘O, yes! Please!’

‘Well, dick, just between you and me. The Palestinians ask our soldiers every day: please, if some dick calls, send him our best regards and tell him we’re doing fine.’

‘O, that is a relief!’

‘You just tell that to your parliament.’

‘I will, mister Netanyahu. I will.’

‘Appreciate your call. Bye. You dick.’